Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
