i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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