What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
