I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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