thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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