you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
