you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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