I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
