why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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