I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
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after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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