fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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