Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
