Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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