I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
