I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
