I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
