im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
