youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
