i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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