Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
