I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
