By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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