My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
