I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
