I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
