THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think people are normalizing furries
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
