I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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