he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
