we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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