a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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