Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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