One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
