So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
