Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
