Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
