you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
