just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
