oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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