what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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