Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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