His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
