A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
