i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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