There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
