My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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