I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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