the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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