Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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