I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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