I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
