When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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