she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
