I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
