Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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