When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize