I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
