I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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