Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
